


right down the line

by templemarker



Category: Women's Hockey RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-10 22:41:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5603605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/templemarker/pseuds/templemarker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amanda huddled into herself on her bed. She was relieved that she had to keep the lighting down, because her hair was kind of lanky and she'd been wearing the same Maple Leafs hoodie for a couple of days. It was embarrassing, even with Hilary, who had seen her at some of Amanda's grossest moments. But that was the reality of the thing: some days, bed was the only option. Some days, she could make a business plan. It was a total crapshoot as to which kind of day it was going to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	right down the line

**Author's Note:**

  * For [michaud](https://archiveofourown.org/users/michaud/gifts).



> Happy holidays, michaud! I enjoyed your prompts, and hope I've adapted them well here!

"Come out and stay with me," Hilary said, her face concerned but insistent over the FaceTime connection. "Get out of Madison for awhile. I know your mom will be worried, but you traveled out of state to go to the clinic in Georgia, right? Boston's about that far."

Amanda huddled into herself on her bed. She was relieved that she had to keep the lighting down, because her hair was kind of lanky and she'd been wearing the same Maple Leafs hoodie for a couple of days. It was embarrassing, even with Hilary, who had seen her at some of Amanda's grossest moments. But that was the reality of the thing: some days, bed was the only option. Some days, she could make a business plan. It was a total crapshoot as to which kind of day it was going to be. 

"I'm worried about the plane," Amanda said. Another thing about being with Hilary: it was always better to just say what the fuck was wrong instead of trying to protect her or pretend that everything was okay. Hilary was crazy. She always, _always_ knew when something was up, and she was relentless until she figured it out. Amanda loved her, but Kessels weren't really built with patience for crazy. So she just told Hilary whatever was going on, even if it was unfixable, or desperate, or mildly irritating. 

"I got to Georgia, but I had to go crazy with it," she continued. "Ear plugs, sunglasses, eye mask, noise-cancelling headphones. I had to change shirts in the bathroom because the tag on the one I was wearing started to itch and I was zoning out from how much it was bothering me. And you can't escape a plane."

"Unless you're James Bond," Hilary pointed out lightly, which was true but also very silly. Amanda rewarded her efforts with a huff of laughter, which was just little enough that it didn't jolt the throb right where her skull met her cervical vertebrae. 

She'd learned a lot of anatomy over the last few months. 

"True," Amanda said. "But I'm not James Bond. What about--could Phil spring for a private plane? Maybe that would suck less."

"I am not asking my brother for a plane to go see my girlfriend," Amanda said firmly. 

"Well, it would be a rental," Hilary said, trying to get a smile out of Amanda again. 

"I'll think about it, okay?" Amanda said, suddenly tired. Thinking about all the things she couldn't do was exhausting, and she'd spent enough time with the doctors at U Wisconsin's neurology clinic covering exactly what was on and off the list. In those first few weeks, crying had been exhausting, staying awake had been exhausting. Being alive had been exhausting, and frequently still was. 

"Okay," Hil said, and dropped it, which was another thing Amanda loved about her. 

"I love you," she said, because she wanted to say it and it felt important to do so. 

Hilary broke out into one of those radiant, life-changing smiles. "I love you too, baby."

Amanda wrinkled her nose. "Don't call me baby," she chided, only meaning it a little. 

"Never," said Hilary. "Baby."

Amanda tossed a little stuffed animal at the screen, making Hil laugh. It was a wonderful sound. She wished she could hear it every day. 

She said, suddenly, "I'm not going to be much fun, Hil. I'm not really going out right now, or seeing many people. I get tired so fast, I'm exhausted just going to the Woodman's with my mom for groceries. Sometimes I have to make the whole place completely quiet, no talking, no tv, just silence. I get dizzy, or suddenly I'm exhausted, and then I lose the day to laying down. I'm not even watching TV or reading, Hil. I'm just laying there, miserable."

"Babe--" Hilary started, but Amanda pushed on. 

"Then I can't sleep, and I'm up all night just fucking around, trying to do something, a puzzle or whatever, until my body finally gives up and crashes. I'm trying, Hil, I really am, but I'm not great to be around. It--it hurts. I'm angry. I think I'm going to have to withdraw from the Gophers. This NWHL thing is happening, and I can't see a way to being a part of it. You're going to be working out all the time and going off for training camp, and I don't want to resent you for that. I don't want to resent you for being able to do the thing we both love so much."

She finished, and wanted to look away, wanted to look down at her hands or bury her head in the pillows. Amanda didn't, though. She looked at Hil, who was looking back at her with a terrible compassion she wanted to chase away by shouting "Surprise!" or saying it was a prank. 

"We'll turn off the lights," Hil said after a long, tempered silence. "We'll put noise-cancelling machines in the bedroom. I'll hold you close when you're stuck being horizontal, I'll find the best puzzles in the world. I'll do what it takes, babe," she said, and Amanda didn't even want to call her on the pet name. "I don't love you just when you're healthy. I don't only care about you when you can play on my line. This thing we have--it's for everything. All the cards, and the joker too. I hate that I'm not there, and I'm selfish for asking you to come, and you're right--it's going to be busy, I'm going to have stuff going on."

She rested her chin on her hands, and Amanda covered her face with her hands, looking out between her two index fingers. 

"I'm selfish, because I'd rather have you with me, to go through it with you, to be there for you, than to have to watch you in pain a thousand miles away from me. It's busting me up, not being able to take care of you, and it wouldn't be perfect but it would be us." Hilary let that sink in, and the silence turned to a loving tension, one neither of them wanted to break. 

"I'll think about it," Amanda whispered, finally; all her reasons were still good reasons. "I really will. I wish it was us, too," she said, touching the screen like she could reach through to Hilary. 

Hilary touched the screen and said, "You've got me, babe."

There was one sweet moment, and then Amanda said, "You did not. You did not just Sonny and Cher me. Oh my god, I can't believe you just did that, to me, your favorite girlfriend. How am I even with you?"

Hilary's amazing smile covered her face again, and she crooned out, "I got you, babe," while Amanda laughed enough that she forgot all about her headache and only had eyes for her girl.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Post-concussion syndrome is no joke, but Amanda Kessel is handling it [very well](https://twitter.com/amandakessel8), at least publicly. 
> 
> 2\. The title is from the Gerry Rafferty song of the same name, though I confess I prefer [Bonnie Raitt's version.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T_aMNbXVdA)
> 
> 3\. Yeah, I did that, I earwormed you with [I Got You Babe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BERd61bDY7k). I'm sorry. Mostly. 
> 
> 4\. Trivia time: [Stave Puzzles](https://www.stavepuzzles.com/) are widely regarded as the best, or of the best, jigsaw puzzles in the world. The least expensive ones, though, start at about $450, which is no joke on the $20,000 NWHL salary. Maybe they'll start with a nice [nostalgic image of shinny on the pond](http://www.amazon.com/Cobble-Hill-Hockey-Frozen-1000-Piece/dp/B006ZOLR9I/).


End file.
